Nicks News

Hey guys, time for a blog update, it's been a while but I've been a busy bee! Well let's start with the good news shall we. I have been clear of any serious episodes for over two months now! The people over at DWP dealing with my ESA contribution claim are not going to bother me for another 6 months! I got approved for free prescriptions and dental care for a year! Santa’s coming and I am going to be a dad! The bad news is imminent! Holy shizznit I am stressed to the max. My heads a shed and I am falling into a hole financially. I am by no means out of the woods with this disorder. I am constantly on edge, like there is an impending doom. My mind constantly goes over the possibility that one of these major seizures is coming and that anything my body does is a sign of what's to come, I feel like a giant hypochondriac. I am still having small episodes but not to the point where I am losing complete control of my limbs. Forgive me for saying this but I envy those whom blackout during their episodes, I know that sounds unbelievable but to me, staying conscious is like torture. It can go on for hours on end sometimes and that's what scares the life out of me. Some of you guys get some gnarly injuries when you fall and by no means am I downplaying that but having no control when i’m awake is quite literally my worst nightmare, apart from spiders, spiders can burn. So let's talk about the stress factors at the minute. I am a colossal worrier and this is probably half the reason my mind broke in the first place. Ok maybe broken is the wrong word because I know I can beat this horrible condition but some times that's how I feel. Finding out I was going to be a father was unexpected but marvelous. It wasn’t planned and to be fair to my partner, by the time I would have finished planning and making everything right in preparation for a child, I would have been dead and buried before it happened. I am excited and elated that I have a sprog on the way but I am beyond anxious about it all. I'm not worried about being a parent, I am worried about the financial commitments and it is really bothering me that I am not in a position to work to provide. Also not everyone understands the debilitating factors involved with the disorder so it bothers me when I think about what these people may think about it. Financially I am slowly falling into the debt pit and through my short journey in adulthood I have never been in debt. I have always saved money and have been super careful, never had a credit card or finance. I won't go into detail about how much of a hole I'm in but it's not good. As my partner works for an honest wage every month I am not entitled to anything on income based ESA so I am on contribution based ESA and because I was a student within this tax year, I am not entitled to it. Long story short we are just making ends meet, without feeding ourselves every month. I am eating one meal a day which isn't good for my health but I have little choice. On top of that I have had prescription penalty charges through, apparently I was not entitled to free medication. This is partially my fault for not noticing that I wasn’t entitled. This has caused me no end of trouble, with several £50-75 pound notice fees coming through.

I end up in an argument with people over the phone, trying to explain to them that I personally, don't have any income. Although most are supportive, you always get the odd jobsworth just following the script they have been given. This has been sorted today with the arrival of a HC2 prescription exemption certificate, which of course is a giant weight off my shoulders. I was considering stopping the medication I have been taking as I couldn't afford the £8.60 fee. PIP. PIP. PIP. Now I applied for PIP in May/June, have been declined and had my appeal rejected. So now I am going to court. Most people dread this, personally I am looking forward to it. I am the most stubborn argumentative man alive and look forward to seeing some faces in regards to my claim other than the “competent” individuals at ATOS healthcare. Obviously this is causing me serious stress. Its money I could really use and without it I am being forced back into work when I am not ready or healthy enough to do so. Not only that, I am arguing in my head with invisible PIP representatives till the early hours of the morning because it is constantly playing on my mind. On top of that my head's a mess. My short term memory is terrible, I can't remember if I have taken medication or where I have left stuff I have used throughout the day. Honestly I have never been so mentally clumsy, to the point that it's making me lose my temper with myself when I can't remember things. I have also been having some chest and shoulder pain over the last month, I have finally got to see a doctor today after a lengthy wait. Im hoping its just bad posture taking its toll! Anyway enough misery. The positives are always there to be found. I'm going to be a dad around 15th June next year. I am still alive and kicking, I have a loving partner, a roof over my head and a supportive network. I don't need anything else! I will be back soon with another update,

Keep your chins up guys! Nick